Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm going to name my first two children George and Trayvon and make them share a bag a Skittles. Its my little way of fighting racism.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   Thanks for accepting my, "Friends? We don't even qualify as acquaintances." request.

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.

   Did you ever notice that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML?

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   When someone says I look familiar, I say "You've probably seen me in porn."

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   The next time somebody jumps you, make sure they are just whooping your ass and not trying to kill you before you take any self-defense action.

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.