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I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower. 
Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.
My mom always told me alcohol was the enemy, the bible says Love your enemy. Case Closed
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day
Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.
I make mistakes to further my education.
Girls, when you wear too much make-up you’re basically just saying.. “I’m not happy with my looks”
I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.
I love earth, except the people on it.
A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore.
Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.
"No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn." said no one ever.
If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.
You've actually friendzoned yourself the moment you allowed him to approach her in your presence, making you wait till they're done talking.
She puts the 'ass' in Picasso!
Some people's desperation is so hard to watch, I'm forced to wear sunglasses while I laugh....
Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
And nobody finds it curious that UFOs only land in the USA? Thats where all the idiots that creat them live. 