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Let's just eat pizza and cake until nobody loves us. 
Let's tell people what to do with their lives and ignore our own problems.
FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.
Don't forget to do nothing about your problems and complain about them on the internet forever.
anybody want to LARP with me?
I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.
If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.
There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.
I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.
It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.
People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.
Never trust a man who takes selfies
Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.
Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.
You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.
At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.
If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it. 