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Happy 237th birthday America, you have achieved a level of corruption that rivals the crown we freed ourselves from. 
What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection?....¼ pounder with cheese
Of course I'm into sports, I love surfing :-) ....surfing on the Internet, that is :P
I wonder who coined the phrase, "Once you go black, you never go back"...because I personally changed it to... "Once you go baby wipe, you never go 2 ply".
Some people believe,we shouldn't say things that offend other people...Well...If my posts offend you then are intended, just for you..!
I feel most at one with my phone when I can see that it's desperately searching too.
Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.
Andy Murray has done it for the United Kingdom! Yipee!!
You're broken and I have trust issues, let's get this madness started.
Making someone happy is a lot of work. Make them question their sanity and move on.
If by romantic you mean being indifferent and occasionally funny, then yes, I'm super romantic.
People are never going to stop talking are they?
My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.
Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.
a MAN and woman is the only way the world can survive
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.
I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...
Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.
I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you. 