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Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk? 
Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?
The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.
I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.
I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.
When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.
thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...
that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??
Drinking a fifth on the fourth
Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.
Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)
The way these kids are growing up now a days.. I'm scared for the future of society.. We're all going to Hell in a Handbag!
It is supposed to snow on the 4th of July but it will be in the form of rain.
Ever notice that 5000 chanting people is an "unruly mob" when you disagree with them, but "patriotic supporters" if you do agree with them?
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
JAB: M-80's Don't care about your fingers and bottle rockets don't care about your eyes, stay accident free everyone and have a safe Forth Of July. . .
"How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators
I come from a long line of impatient customers. 