Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it. 
Dear God, Happy Father's Day.
During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...
Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.
very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week
If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.
I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him
happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago
I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...
father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**
An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Strip malls are the most promiscuous of all the malls
I don't drink, so you people don't get any better looking as the night wears on.
As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them. 