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The ONLY 2 acceptable excuses a man can't spend time with his child is if he's DEAD or IN JAIL, Happy Father's Day 
#RealMenHandleThereBusiness #Manup #growup #showup #liveitup "Happy Fathers Day!" -take pride in what is yours and be proud of the human you created :)
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
We now live in a wold where you are noticed, acknowledged and financially rewarded for being a douchebag while all the nice and good guys are ignored and neglected. Case in point, Kanye, Bieber, Kim, Minaj, etc
Father's Day; the most confusing day in a trailer park where chances are your father might also be your older brother.
There is a good reason why they call it XBOX ONE; You take ONE look at it and go and buy yourself a PS4!
I love my smile! It's best though when it's reflected back on the faces of others!
Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!
Chill, single moms. You don't see us single dads celebrating mother's day!
I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...
For Father's Day, I just want to wear my Crocs and Ed Hardy shirt and still be loved.
Thumbs-Up for PS4 and Thumbs-down for XBOX ONE.
When God created marriage, man said "cool, steady poon" and God replied "right...the yoke's on you..."
You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.
My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked
Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors
Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious
In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't. 