Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Internet dating is like ordering fast food, It looks really good in the picture, but when you see it in person its a whole different ballgame. 
If Jesus turned water into wine, imagine what he could do with the bottled water we have now. He could probably turn aquafina into Grey Goose.
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
Just tried "unicycling"... My balls HURT.
A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast
Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.
I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.
All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.
If you wanna be stabbed or threatened every time you don't perform well in bed, get a latino woman.
Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus
sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs
They should play porn on gas station pump tvs so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.
Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.
Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.
This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.
a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...
Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.
I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far
There is a name for people without beards.... Women!
Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years. 