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If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with. 
My friend just broke up with his woman. I really helped him through the break up by letting him know she's no good in bed anyway.
I need to meet new people to ignore.
They see me T R O L L I N G...
You are never really free until your heart says you are. JK, it's when the handcuffs come off and the cop gives your belongings back.
I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.
There comes a time in your life where nothing gets you excited anymore. I've had this feeling for like 5 years now.
So this guy is all like: ''Do you know the gravity of the situation?'' And I'm like: 9.81 m/s2?
If your name is Kristen, Kirsten or Kristin, your little game of madness is over. You're all Bob now. Understood? No more of this nonsense.
Why does eating make you fat? People should’t be punished for eating. Why don’t people who wear sunglasses indoors get fat instead.
Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.
The new mac pro is 9.9 in long and black...Does the white version comes in 6 in?
My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...
Few things are as sexy as having that girl you like stroke your beard.
Tequila and my phone formed an alliance to show my ex that I will never really be over her.
This recliner and I go WAY back!
I really just want Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.
Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?
[This Facebook status update has been deleted by the NSA due to natioanl security concerns.]
GO HEAT! I don't mean the basketball team, I mean the temperature. It's so #&@^$#% hot out, I wish it would just go. 