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I'm looking for a retractable leash. I hate when my pet turtle gets ahead of me when I go for a run. 
Never date someone that you don't really like. the desire to be wanted is different from the desire to be with the one you love
Negative people need drama like oxygen.Stay positive...it will take their breath away ..!
If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.
Chad Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's ass. Good thing he didn't bring a cooler of Gatorade.
Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?
Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!
That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.
"We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"
"What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"
ironically, to a Patriots fan like me, the signing of Tim Tebow is proof there is no god.
I think Bill Belichick is the perfect coach to develop Tebow into an elite clipboard holder
Belichick, Brady, & Tebow: The NFL's Father, Son, & Holy Ghost.
The only thing more insane than Tim Tebow believing the universe was created in 6 days is the Patriots believing in Tim Tebow.
"Bellichek, why hast thou foresaken reason & signed Tebow?" — Jesus
Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"
Looking for a man to help fill my...humm..."whole"
The girl who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China. 