Funny Status Messages

   evaluating your profile to maximize chances of a long term friendship

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   A RECENT POLICE STUDY FOUND THAT YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO GET SHOT BY A FAT COP IF YOU RUN....

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash...

   Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   notices we never read any headlines even remotely similar to this: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?

   I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook!