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Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel 
Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.
I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!
Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.
Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!
Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that
"Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)
FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin
So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.
Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...
I have a confession too Oprah...
Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..
A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up
Now that Lance has come clean, maybe he's qualified to be elected to the House or Senate..
I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing s tatuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge. 