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Have you ever tried to k!ll your crazy stalker? 
The only thing more boring than Oprahs interview to Lance Armstrong is watching the tour de france
being with someone who treats you like dirt really makes you appreciate someone who treats you like a goddess
relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down
the taste of you that lingers in my mouth makes me sick every morning
"Noooo, I dont do that!!"....are words that wont get a woman a marriage proposal!!!
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.
Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!
I wish Taylor Swift would write a song called "Maybe I'm the Problem"
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"
Kleenex Diem! Sneeze the day!
I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....
I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.
I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!
My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!
its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!! 