LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with the other to apologize.

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   ..is like a stamp: first class and lickable.

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.