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When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"? 
Every time that hoe inside my G.P.S. gives me wong directions I pimp slap her with the mute button. :-D
I hate it when I the most important part of a post
I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid
Life is too short to be a basketball player
Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,
It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.
Democracy comes from the word demos, meaning mob a mob in the street is a demos. Ocracy means rule,ur welcome
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Sometimes my farts even takes me by surprise *cough*cough*
Plenty of Fish "Hey, here are 3 pictures of my cleavage and I, but don't message me for sex"
Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.
If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do
May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends
Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair
If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.
My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.
Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.
As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid. 