Joser Funny Status Messages

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there I say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

   I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

   BREAKING NBA NEWS: LeBron James has decided to go with Team Jacob

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.