Joser Funny Status Messages

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   When caught with weed, never assume anything but the position...

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Walmart smells like ugly

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.