Joser Funny Status Messages

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   What kind of troopers does the Empire use when it's nice out?

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   Dear Life, You have some explaining to do...

   I like to follow up a compliment with a threat. For example, "Nice shirt! I'll fight you for it."

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)