JOser Funny Status Messages

   it's not illegal it's frowned upon

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.