joser Funny Status Messages

   HECK is where you go if you don't believe in GOSH

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   Even if you preface it with "I think strippers smell nice", saying "You smell like a stripper" has a way of being misconstrued.

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   The 186th rule of Fight Club is there is no such thing as a male BFF...!

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)