flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   "I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago

   Lady Gaga was at the White House today. The President was in Kansas, and willing to go further if necessary.

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them