Mick F Funny Status Messages

   Facebook's starting to creep me out. I just got a friend request from a woman with the following attached message, "I like you. I like my men like I like my coffee. Freeze dried in a jar kept in the back of the fridge." I clicked "accept". Was that a mist

   Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   I always polish off a box of Oreos at the Dentists' office right before a cleaning. My last bill was, $2400.00.

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."

   Okay. They really should change the name of Judge Judy's show to: "Evidence, Shmevidence. He Just LOOKS Guilty!"

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   The DC Earthquake was caused by direct reverberations from the opposite side of the Earth. It's from China jumping up and down in anger when they realized they're not gonna get their money back.

   Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   If more people...instead of stirring the pot, would smoke it...the world would be a happier place.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   I'm more scared than Barack Obama at a Willie Nelson concert.