flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th."

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   'Anonymous' is a film about how Shakespeare was really a no-talent hack, by the guy who made 'Godzilla' & '10,000 BC.'

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   Maybe if the Libyans spent less time firing into the air, the civil war could have ended 4 months ago.

   A semi-literate bear enthusiast will feel misled after clicking on the "grisly photo" link in Yahoo News Libya coverage.

   If Paranormal Activity 3, The Ring, and Poltergeist taught me anything, it's that little girls are absolutely terrifying.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   Just once I would like to hear a rapper say that he is pretty average with the rhymes.

   Tebow is white, plays against Miami, loved by fans, and only plays well in the 4th quarter - he's the anti-LeBron