doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA.

   When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   I dont know what Is more amazing, that this girl thought she was Justin Beibers first, or the miracle of one girl knocking up another girl.

   Which is worse news this AM, Justin Beiber might have a love child or Herman Cain's believes China doesn't have nukes?

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   not interested in a girl? tell her you're going through a horrific vesectomy process & you're really concentrating on that right now.

   You know the NCAA won't punish the Penn St. football program unless Sandusky gave his victim's dad a free car.

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   I could never have a threesome because I would just be apologizing twice as much the whole time.

   NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   #OccupySesameStreet 1 bankers' corruption! Ah ah ah! 2 big too fail! Ah ah ah! 3 million foreclosures Ah ah ah!

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.