Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.

   My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her... I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses."

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.

   Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Everyone is breaking up... Which means christmas is almost here!

   My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.

   Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.