Fluff!! Funny Status Messages

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.