vaterpop Funny Status Messages

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.

   I'll bet they're busy at Walmart today. Moving all the Clorox and Lysol to the pharmacy section.

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"

   So Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump. This just gets better and better doesn't it?

   I’ve been checking my temperature periodically every day. Did you know that it’s not necessary to do it rectally? Wish someone would’ve told me sooner!

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.

   Worked on our taxes last night. We are getting $867 thousand dollars from federal and we owe the state $966 thousand dollars. Anyone have the number to H&R Block??

   Just think of all the things making big money during this. Netflix!, Disney+, Pornhub.

   Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days

   Running out of ideas for entertainment. Thinking about asking the neighborhood to gather in the street 6' apart and do the Hokey Pokey. After all, that is what it's all about.

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids Bloody Mary in a Styrofoam cup with a straw.