sean Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:25 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
←Rate | 06-24-2019 15:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
←Rate | 08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 16:57 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 11:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.
←Rate | 03-08-2013 10:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:53 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:52 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.
←Rate | 07-09-2013 13:25 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!
←Rate | 01-17-2014 11:37 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 15:45 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
←Rate | 09-24-2012 08:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
←Rate | 10-23-2012 11:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
←Rate | 08-20-2013 11:01 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
←Rate | 09-12-2013 11:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"
←Rate | 10-30-2013 10:45 by SEAN Comments (0)  




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