sean Funny Status Messages

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"