Tom Funny Status Messages

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!

   ESPN reports that Manny Pacquiao has filed sexual harassment and inappropriate touching charges against Floyd Mayweather for all the hugging and grabbing from Saturday night's fight.

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   Charles D*ckens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

   the "Poke" should display the time of "Poke" that way you know when there thinking of you most!

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.