Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face." Put it beside the "Like" button. Just a suggestion.

   If I have to pass a drug test to work my ass off, you should have to pass one to get welfare!!!

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   Hate America ? Everyone Hates america until your being ass raped by dictators

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   thinks it is wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers