Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   Today is January the 96th

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

   I’m an adult. I can buy a pet rock if I want to.

   One of those bathroom extractor fans, but for your negative energy.

   I can count the number of times I've made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.