Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   it just me or are there far fewer good climbing trees around these days?

   "Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans."

   1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

   No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough ... now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

   My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.

   "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.

   If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

   How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.