Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.

   Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you're up to. :)

   Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook password to your friend so that he/she can stalk their Ex

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it

   I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive

   In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.