Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink

   Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.