Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food

   Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.

   "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team