Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Most historians agree that Marie Antoinette's first menstrual cycle was one of the greatest periods in history.

   A more fitting name for Target would be "How The Heck Did I Spend $233.44?!?!"

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   ..... Unfortunately in the real world an organization urging to SAVE Humanity ....... Sadly .... is almost always a front for a politically motivated group seeking to rule it.

   Just created a Tinder page for my dog and he's already got more right swipes than me.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.

   The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.

   Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.

   No thanks, DailyDish. I don't want to see what the cast of Petticoat Junction looks like now. I'm guessing skeletons.

   Siri is turning into my mom and asking random questions like, "Do you need something? Can I help you? Are you going out wearing that?"

   If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?