Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.

   I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year.