Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.

   Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?

   Not to worry Kraft. At least you're not Chicago.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.

   As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"