Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)