Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   Wife said you always come home in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you came home in a good one. I said of course not..... that's because you weren't home.

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!