Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.

   The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do?

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I thought the internet was originally created to save time. So what happened?

   Whenever I see someone I don't know wearing what look like pajamas in public I always wonder, have they completely given up on life or are they living it to the fullest!?

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.

   You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.