Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.

   You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.

   Children are the future..... but probably not your children.

   Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat?

   My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

   My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.

   "why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie

   Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

   "I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!