Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.