Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Death by school supplies shopping.

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Can I ask for prayers please? I'm about to write a check.

   10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane

   Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

   I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.

   I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.