Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!! .......You know the same could be said for condoms!!!

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   When someone says "You just made my day," it makes my day..

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Thank god I dont have a house!

   Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."