Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.