Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

   FB Live? The whole point of Facebook was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those gawd awful DirecTV commercials.

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   Done! Just completed my weekend to-do list from 2007.

   When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?

   According to the women's beach volleyball game I just watched, I don't need Viagra after all. :/

   ... Just been watching Ladies Olympic Beach Volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury .... But I should be OK by Monday

   Settle down homemade play dough parents.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.