Funny Status Messages

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."

   If you don't know who George Soros is, or who Saul Alinsky was and what Cloward-Piven means, Do America a favor and either educate yourself or DO NOT Vote.

   I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.