Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days were the kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.

   Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2

   Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!

   Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

   I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   large and in charge... well, one out of two ain't bad.

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   Butterflies in the belly and weak knees...The 2 best feeling in the world!

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

   Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce

   Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.