Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   “I'm an adult! I can do whatever the hell I want.” No, not you married people. Sit back down. You're just being silly now.

   Halloween on Humpday......I like where this is going.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   No matter where I hide the chocolates, I always seem to find them.

   I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.