Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesnt understand the whole deal about secrets. If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place

   The one person that BP has not called on to fix the oil leak is MacGyver. he can do it with a stick of gum a Q-tip and some tin foil!!!

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...

   Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!

   I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week.

   Since the groundhog lied this year, I don't feel bad telling you all that groundhog tastes like chicken

   I think I like your name more than your post...yeah you below me v v

   BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy