Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?
←Rate | 11-04-2017 14:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 13:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:46 by @jmichek Comments (0)  

   messageicon When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future. Unless if it's the president of the United States.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 03:15 Comments (4)  

   messageicon She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:23 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:16 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers
←Rate | 11-03-2017 18:24 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 12:31 by Sparky739 Comments (1)  

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