Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
←Rate | 06-06-2018 16:00 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 15:33 by pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
←Rate | 06-06-2018 09:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 01:35 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sorry I robbed a bank, stole a car and snorted cocaine officer, it was the Ambien.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 01:28 Comments (7)  

   messageicon I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 01:14 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
←Rate | 06-06-2018 00:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 22:58 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 21:50 by @samdunsiger Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 17:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?
←Rate | 06-05-2018 13:53 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 13:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I didn't tell you I was on my period because I didn't want it to stop you from coming thru" - SELFISH WOMEN
←Rate | 06-05-2018 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?
←Rate | 06-05-2018 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I feel like I have a 1-bit brain with a parity error. This is one of those days.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 07:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
←Rate | 06-05-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 01:37 Comments (0)  

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