Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
←Rate | 11-20-2018 15:23 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.
←Rate | 11-20-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
←Rate | 11-20-2018 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.
←Rate | 11-20-2018 05:19 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  

   messageicon The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?
←Rate | 11-20-2018 02:58 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.
←Rate | 11-20-2018 00:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
←Rate | 11-19-2018 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
←Rate | 11-19-2018 14:13 by Pilgrim Comments (1)  

   messageicon I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell
←Rate | 11-19-2018 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...
←Rate | 11-19-2018 11:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck
←Rate | 11-19-2018 10:44 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)
←Rate | 11-18-2018 14:49 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  

   messageicon Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.
←Rate | 11-18-2018 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?
←Rate | 11-18-2018 11:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.
←Rate | 11-18-2018 02:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.
←Rate | 11-17-2018 23:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
←Rate | 11-17-2018 14:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.
←Rate | 11-16-2018 21:00 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.
←Rate | 11-16-2018 20:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!
←Rate | 11-16-2018 16:53 by Frank Comments (0)  

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